Wrist Deep

steven,

perhaps my growing up too deprived of love or emotional security and my subsequent conscious effort in opening up to love etc. play a role in my interpretation of your action as somewhat callous, or at least uncaring. i am sorry but this can’t continue any longer. i can’t do this. it’s a soft spot for me and i feel like i’m playing hangman. maybe it is just pure hallucination the way i felt your thinking about me every now and then, the way i believe that you’d actually call. whether you’re doing it intentionally to hurt me or not, it doesn’t matter, you’ve done it. i can’t bear to read another email from you days later apologizing either. if there were care in the first place, damage and apology wouldn’t have been necessary. i don’t want this kind of wishy-washy connection or insensitivity in my life. i am sorry, i hope that i haven’t hurt your feelings. pls understand that i never meant to put myself in the position of hurt and of continual disappointment just by wanting to acknowledge our affinity. i neither date nor play games, nor do i believe in or have respect for either. so if that is something that you find entertaining, it’s better that you stay away from me. i don’t know how many people you are seeing or how emotionally involved you are otherwise, or whatever reason there could be that makes you want to keep the distance. but we both know that it can’t be just work, or apt hunt, or whatever this whatever that... there will always be something going on in life, i just feel that i haven’t been welcomed in your life. sorry it’s taking me so long to accept. i was naive in thinking we’d really meet again. things are great when we meet or when i hear your voice... i don’t know... i wish you’d just told me things upfront or keep me informed of what really is up, instead of dragging it out and demanding that i read it through your actions, which to me is and has been more brutal.
life is too short. i hope to live mine with all the love and tenderness i am capable of with people who want to be with me. it always sucks when things are not mutual. but at least i have done my best, and have been honest and open with you. i wish you all the best and happiness in the world.

take good care of yourself,a—

p.s. don’t worry, should we ever run into each other professionally in the future, i’ll pretend that we’ve never met.